Two people came up to me today and each of them made a statement that made me do a double take.
Mr. Sizzle said that me being in his life is a good and bad thing. Good because I get him grounded and help him grow in his pursuit to have gazillions of relationships (i.e. he wants to be pro player in the women's realm). And I am bad news also because he doesn't give much effort starting these relationships because he has me as a fall back. Another bad thing he mentioned is he might feel pretty jealous if he found out that I am seeing other people. Mr. Sizzle has pangs of guilt because he wants to be with me so much but he also wants to have his own zenana. This statement was my first double take.
Kid approached me timidly saying this week is their last week. For those who are not aware (which I bet are few) Kid is talking about his account which will pull out this week. What I felt when he said this was my second double take.
Maybe, my brother is right. I was born without guilt. I am phlegmatic to guilt. I have been slapped, whacked, punched, coerced, threatened, lashed, twice almost murdered because I don't feel guilt. People tagging me as cold, bitch, indifferent, callous, arrogant hasn't changed what I am. I don't even try to feel remorseful. When I do what society deems is morally wrong they expect an apology. But people who know me well, has learned not to hear of it until I have realized this on my own. And when I realized it is wrong, I still don't feel guilt. I simply walk to those I have offended and apologize. If I know I'll do it again and again then you won't hear any apology. But when I apologize, that is the end of it. If one takes or rejects my apology I do not ride any guilt horse and live my life in constant remorse.
So I did a double take. The egoist in me was suddenly harassed by the egotist in me. Mr. Sizzle feels guilt I don't. Kid feels sad, I should've felt guilt because of our old account is (soon to be) terminated, I don't. Good thing both of them didn't ask what I felt, because I sure don't feel sorry to any of them.