Christmas Day

Oh what a day! I've watched four films, eaten enough turkey to sustain a small African nation for several weeks and succeeded in doing precious little else. Mission accomplished! I'm parked here infront of an open fire, fairy lights twinkling across the ceiling and a rather miserable specimen of a Christmas tree standing sentry behind me. Its very festive admittedly, but a bit on the warm side. If it were up to me we'd have some chestnuts roasting over the fire to soak up a few of the excess BTUs. Actually, to be precise, I'd have some ever so 'umble servant doing the roasting. Scoring the chestnuts, suspending them over the fire on some rudimentry metal implement (a chestnut roaster?), waiting for them to explode then finally picking pieces of steaming nut out of the carpet is not my idea of festive fun. Other festive activities I'm not fond of include making xmas pudding - force feeding a horse mincemeat for a week then steaming the resultant black faeces for 35 mins; pulling crackers - BANG, no fireworks though, just a crap joke, pathetic hat and cheap trinket; oh and finally, looking out of the window at the white Christmas scene outside. Where is it? Its raining. I was hoping for 6 inches of snow, sorry, that's 150mm. We've gone metric now!
I suppose I sound like a right scrooge now, so here are the things I like:
Opening presents. I absolutely revel in the act of tearing off wrapping paper, grinning insanely at the gift unveiled and making little sounds of curiosity and comments of deep gratitude. It really flexes my acting muscles.
I also like eating chocolate. Its comforting to think that I was slightly overweight before Christmas but I won't be afterwards. I'll be obese. Then at least I know where I stand: nowhere with weak floorboards.
Sneezing is a most satisfying activity. Phlegm tastes quite similar to turkey, so I can enjoy the festive flavour in periodic bursts right through the day. Oh, and sneezing loudly while allowing for plenty of spray usually ensures I get the sofa to myself. Or if it backfires (possibly a bad choice of words) I get the whole house to myself.
Bah HUMBUG!

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